Secrets

“Therapists should work in the middle of the night.” She says. “It’s when all the confessions come out.”

She’s right. When the moon chases the sun from its perch, if the night is clear, we see the star filled sky. Secrets are like stars. We see them in the darkest places and at the darkest times. The blue scattered through the atmosphere that the sun brings, steals the star’s dark canvas, much like famous paintings may be hidden underneath the paint of another work. These images may be apparent to the naked eye if the observer stares long enough. More often special investigation is needed to reveal the famous lost image. Curiosity, time and care reveal these hidden gems. 

Sometimes we think of secrets as the darkness. We think of things hidden and shameful. Acts that are considered immoral or wrong. The should and should nots of life. The pornography watched in secret, the stolen merchandise, the inappropriate text, the affair, the angry thoughts….the list goes on. The holder of the secret feels the burden of its shame. Secrets are not shame. They are windows into our souls exposing our needs, fears, losses, and longings. They are not the actions or the behaviors, they are what drives the action or behavior. The need to be loved better. The pain of loss. The lack of connection in relationships. The fear of losing love and connection. The I am not enough. These are what we should strive to see and understand when we learn of someone’s secret actions.

We often think of secrets as belonging to others. Something intentionally kept from us. It’s the secrets we keep from ourselves though that can become destructive and keep us from experiencing true connection. We wrap our needs in declarative statements…”I like being alone.” “I am the kind of person who…” Sometimes our shames are packaged in our actions. Cleaning, running, working, isolating, care-taking. The more obvious escapes are the sometimes destructive addictions. Drinking, drugs, sex. Secrets can drive our emotional reactions. They can even hide in happiness. “No, I am good.” “It’s ok, sometimes bad things happen, I don’t need help.” Or the dreaded, “I’m fine.”   

When someone shares their secrets with us, it is a rare gift. An offering of deep connection. If you receive such a gift, pay attention to your response. Someone else’s exposed need, fear, shame…can be a mirror into our own secrets. Wonder what you avoid talking about. Be curious to your felt experience of being exposed to the picture that hides beneath the canvas. Secrets ignored can become shattered bits of self. Secrets cared for can be soulful connections.

Secrets stay secrets if they are only known to us. And to discover our own hidden longings and shames, we need a mirror to reflect them back to us. Some relationships have the capacity to be this reflection. They are safe people. Connected and willing to face their own vulnerabilities. Sometimes we need professionals to help us with that. To see our blind spots. As a wise young girl said, “I need to ask my therapist to have middle of the night hours when I am more open.” A therapist can provide a safe place to name and share your secrets with. It is a privilege to witness the sigh of relief when someone exposes their shame and finds it lovingly cared for rather than rejected. Therapy is a place to explore the light in the darkness. A relationship about you and your needs. The gift to the client is discovery and safety. A place where judgement is checked at the door and curiosity leads. It is in this safety that destructive patterns can be named and faced. Then there becomes room for something new to be experienced.